This is a bit random but I needed the reminder.

Several months ago when I was questioning if God was speaking to me or guiding me, I received His message. I was in the drive through at McDonalds because we didn't have time to make breakfast at home. (McKenna was hungry) I barely had any money on me let alone spending what I did have for fast food. I pulled up to pay and the guy said, "it's your lucky day.". The person before you paid for your meal.". Of course I looked up, said thank you and held back the tears. I then gave the employee $1 and asked him to please put it towards the person behind me.
I had a hard time not crying in front of McKenna but it reminded me to never question or give up faith! How Amazing He is! I am so thankful to have a relationship with Christ. He always knows what we need and when we need it!

Have a blessed day.

3.6.11 Part 2

When we got to the room, we talked more about the conversation I had over lunch and why this was so difficult.  We talked through it and she asked about certain things that I believed in.  It all came down to letting go, not giving in, but letting go of the control I wanted to have and believing that Christ died on the Cross for ME! (and for YOU)  This sounds like it was easy, but it was (up to then) the hardest thing I had done.  There was a lot of crying and this took the course of 1-2 hours.  After lots of crying and praying, I felt amazing, scared, excited, energized, terrified and free.  Not to sound so cliche, I wanted to 'yell from the roof top' that I believed in Christ and allowed him in. 

We went to the evening session and I sat there bubbling over on the inside but very reserved on the outside.  It was both harder and easier to focus on what we were studying.  Finally when the evening was over, Melanie looked at me with a puzzled look on her face.  She hadn't know what I 'decided.'  I did tell her about the day and again, the tears were streaming down our faces.  I was so nervous and excited.  There were so many people that God worked through to get me to this special place in my life.  God put Melanie right next to me that day to really steer me in the direction I needed to face what I had been avoiding.  Unbeknown to me God had put me right next to Melanie for reasons I had no knowledge of.  She was also struggling with a direction she wasn't sure she wanted to go.  God worked through me to confirm to her what she needed to do too.  Again, I know he puts us exactly where we need to be when we need to be there....he put those people in our lives exactly when we need them....but each and every time I am amazed by these miracles. 

I am a very self conscious person and have self esteem issues.  I needed to say this so you can understand the next 'thing' that absolutely blew me away.  I went to sleep that night and all I could hear a l l 
n i g h t  l o n g  was the following song......"Girl your amazing, just the way you are..."  I am not sure if you are familiar with the song, but it is by Bruno Marz and I have attached the words:

Just The Way You Are Lyrics
Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day

Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are(yeah)

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she let me (okay this isn't really the vs that stood out)Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day

Oh, you know, you know, you know, I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same
So, don't even bother asking if you look ok
You know I'll say

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you're amazing, just the way you are

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are. Yeah
This was my confirmation (and became my personal 'theme' song) that everything was going to be fine and this was all real.  I finally 'got it.'  HALLELUJAH!

3.5.11 The day I surrendered whole heartedly to Christ.

The weekend of March 4th-6th, the annual Christ Community Church Women's Retreat was a weekend I had waited a year to attend.  If you have never been, I highly recommend attending.  You spend the weekend with amazing woman, friends, leaders and Christ!  Does it get any better?  This was my second year and I was really pumped about the lectures, interaction and the down time to get some scrap booking done.  Do I need to tell you I didn't touch the scrap booking supplies at all the entire weekend other than to load and unload them.........twice.  If I repeat some of this, I am sorry, but I started this several months ago, never finished and feel it is important.  I have to say the night before the retreat, I had the strangest dream ever.  All I could remember of this dream was one specific section.  I shared this with the gals at work, then again with Amie in the hotel room.  I was with my husband, Sean and we were attending a function of some sort.  There were lots of people and he wanted to introduce me to an acquaintance/friend of his.  (I can't tell you the name of this 'person' but it was someone familar to me.  Thinking back as I explained this, I couldn't tell you what this person looked like or who he was)  When we approached this man, I turned and said I knew him, we were old friends too.  I went to hug him and he didn't hug me back.  It was odd.  We said hi and he asked how I was.  I said fine and you?  He then said..."Are you sure your fine?  Are you really fine?"  I was taken back at his response and woke up feeling horrible.  The girls at work were also taken back saying things like "wow" that is a bit harsh.  I know the dream was longer, but this was the only part I remembered and it made quite an impression.  What did that mean?  What did he mean by that?  As a woman, I have gone up and down with my weight as most of us do at some point of in our lives.  I was approaching 40 thinking I should still be physically fit and looking like I did at 18, or at least my early 20's!  Insecurity was a big deal for me.  I had always been active and slim.  Due to a thyroid issue I had gained weight.  My friends look at me and think I am a bit crazy for feeling this way but weight gain or anything like that is all relative to each person.  Other things in my life were, at that time (and still are) not where I wanted them to be.
While in the hotel room that first evening, Amie and I were talking about random things.  We were also talking about a book she read and also did with a Bible study, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  She had an extra book and asked it I wanted it.  I accepted and started reading right away.  I am going to back track here because at this time, I hadn't told her about the dream I had yet.  It wasn't until I started reading Made to Crave that I would have fallen over if I wasn't already laying down.  I 'freaked out' and was in disbelieve.  Amie looked at me like I was crazy and asked what was going on.  I started by saying this is so ironic.....(we all know it was exactly as it was supposed to be).... I started by telling her about my dream then proceeded to read her a few excerpts from the book. 

..."I started this journey weighing 167 pounds."  (That was about the same weight that I was)  ...."Maybe because I was knocking on the door of my fortieth birthday..."  "To others 167 is a dream weight.  In my case, the number itself was not the issue.  The issue was how I felt mentally, spiritually, and physically.  It was time to be honest with myself.  I think we all get to a place sometime in our lives when we have to give a brutally hones answer to the questions, "How am I doing?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Knowing what I know now it was like I was searching for food only to be smacked in the head with a chicken and not recognizing it was something I could eat.  God had put all these pieces in front for me just begging me to put the pieces together.  He was starring me right in the eyes and I was blind.  Well not totally blind, I would just say blind in one eye. 

So that was the beginning to this amazing weekend.  Saturday we sat down, ready to meet the rest of the group at our table.  All the woman were very different with different interest.  As I sit surrounded by woman of different ages, economic backgrounds and life experiences, I found comfort that we all knew or were seeking Christ.  We were all so much a like in our feelings and thoughts.  It was like being surrounded by your best friends and supporters, you felt a connection that was safe and warm.  You start to really get to know these woman (and yourself) through the exercises you do through the weekend.  At the end of the morning session, you have lunch meet a bit more, then break for the afternoon so you can attend mini break out sessions or have free time.  (This is when I was going to scrap book and was I excited about that.)  During lunch you do not have to sit at your assigned table.  Sometimes people sit with friends that are at other tables during this time.  I really don't like to be out of my comfort zone so I sat back at my assigned table.  Melanie was also assigned to the table and sat next to me.  By the time Amie got back, the table was full so she sat somewhere else.  I was bummed by this because I am generally a shy person if I don't know you too well.  (Again, Gods plan put Melanie right smack next to me) 

Melanie and I had a wonderful conversation about our families and upbringing etc.  We spoke about how I was having a hard time in my faith in Christ.  I believed in Jesus and God but something was keeping that little string of doubt in my head (Satan) from completely giving myself to Christ.  I couldn't figure out why because it was something that I wanted so badly but it was hard for me.  We spoke of the Fullmer family, Amie and her guidance, my dream and the Made to Crave quote.  There were also some Bible passages from the morning that all fit into this puzzle.  As Melanie and I spoke she suggested I pray about this during the break.  On the way up to the room at the start of the afternoon break, I told Amie about my conversation with Melanie.  We stopped and prayed in the prayer room then headed to our hotel room.

Wrong is wrong

I was driving to work this morning and got to thinking about my next door neighbor. (we don't get along)  He did something that he shouldn't have.  His reasons are probably valid (I haven't spoken to him so I really don't know for sure) and I would have to say I agree what I think his reasons where however we can not take matters into our own hands to "fix" things without following the proper route or chain of command. I am not even sure why he doesn't like me and I would like to say I don't care, but it does bother me a bit. He doesn't even know me.  I am not too worried because I can't change the way he thinks about me but I am sure he feels that I (or my husband) did something he felt was wrong.

A friend told me that in God's eyes a sin is sin.  My sin is not larger or smaller than your sin or vice versa. I think we, as humans, sometimes do things at are wrong but try to justify that it is "just a little wrong."  Its not like we are harming someone by the 'little wrong. Come on - no one was injured or shot....In God's eyes a sin is a sin period.  Once I thought about that my heart sank.  I was judging someone else on how I thought that person's sins compare to mine and how mine were justifiable and that other person was completely wrong...not very Christ like is it? 

John 9:41) 41 Jesus said to them, "“If you were blind, you would have no sin; but now you say, ‘We see.’ Therefore your sin remains."

Hmmm It is hard seeing more clearly than ever.  I see!  I am thankful I see and I am glad I see but it sure is hard.  :)  I wouldn't trade being blind to His word for anything. 

Tomorrow........more on the beginning!

Welcome back....

I haven't been blogging for quite some time, but want to get back into the routine at least once a week.  My journey has not ended, indeed it has continued on a slow and steady path.  I received a devotional book from a dear friend that I continue to read daily.  I have a couple of friend that read it with me, then we discuss how it pertains to our lives.  I know I need to take more steps to become connected to a strong support group/church.  (I have great support now, but you can never have too many people to help guide and open your heart, mind and soul to the Lord.)  I am able to blog from my phone now, so no excuses that I can't get to a computer.  I need to check it first to make sure it works.  :)  Hope you enjoy and I will be writing more soon.....

Interesting article

My chapter, in school, was about immigration and religion.  One of my assignments was to review an article and right about whether or not I thought The Bible and science would always contradict each other and if people would always debate these two topics.  I have attached the article I had to read and I have attached another that I found.  They are both very interesting.  I hope you enjoy them.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/editorials/2007-02-04-oplede_x.htm

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/questionofgod/voices/collins.html

I still find it amazing how many other people can have similar thought or have gone through a process to surrender to God.  We are all so much more alike than I think the world wants to admit.  (no matter what religion)

Let me know what you think.

Psalm 62:2

He alone is my rock and my salvation, He is my fortress, and I will never be shaken.

I have been ill with bronchitis and feeling a bit under the weather however I feel empowered to move forward in my life vs. waiting around for life to happen to me.  :) 

I find that I speak to God more than ever.  I know he is 'speaking' to me, but I am not sure I am hearing everything.  I am open but am I listening with my complete heart?  Am I missing anything and  am I sure I am hearing what he is saying?  Can I misinterpret what he wants me to hear?  I am a bit confused but trust that if he keeps hitting me in the head I will get it. 

I do find that in my everything I have opened up to the past month has really affected how I am learning things in my latest course. (Multicultural Issues)  The class alone has been an eye opener, but with Gods guidance it has really impacted me.  I feel like I am more empathetic towards others all the way around.  How horrible to go through life keeping people down or making them feel bad about themselves.  We all do that enough to oneself.  I don't need anyone else to point out my flaws.  I know exactly what they are.  Why would I want to do that to others especially knowing how it makes me feel.  If I can teach my children this, then I will have made them better people. 

The past few weeks

I know I already posted today, but I am behind and this needs to be done in separate parts.

I haven't told you about 3.5.11 yet and will get to that soon, but I need to speak of the past few couple of weeks. 
After accepting Jesus into my life on of the gals said, in a joking manner, "it gets harder."  We laughed but I knew she was serious.  It was true.  I feel like my life has become so much harder in many ways.  Harder doesn't mean bad it just means more difficult.  I think it is because I see things more clearly and differently.  I feel overwhelmed by a few things and scared about my future.  I'd like to say I feel like the walls are crashing down around me (which they are) but I don't feel that feeling of despair.  I know we will get through it- how by the Grace of God and some real soul searching.  (winning the lottery would help, but I can't rely on that. LOL) 
I have found myself looking at a lot of things differently.  I schedule 30 or so people for phone coverage.  This also includes approving time off for a variety of reasons.  It is very easy to be distrusting in what I do because I need to make sure the business needs are met.  Some people tend to lie for time off or needing to leave early.  Some call in sick repeatedly when you catch them in a lie.  80/20 rule - this is 20% of the people not 80% but that 20% really makes it hard for the other 80%.  I also need to realize these are people just like me.  People with families, kids, church, other commitments.  It is not all about work and the business needs.  How would I want to be treated?  How can I act Christ like in what I do?  Keeping this in mind helps me manage the staff and what I do on a daily basis.  I also let my co-workers know that I realize they are human and have many obligation.  As much as I need to schedule according to business needs, I understand that they may have a sick child or a husband that is in the hospital.  They have a grand daughter that is going to be confirmed and don't want to miss it.  In addition to staffing phones for our business, I need to ensure my staff knows that I support them and consider what is important to them.  (I may not find something they are doing important, but to each person it is all relative..it is important to them and I must respect that.)  A couple of people were recently terminated. Both terminations were justified and needed.  I was relieved, but also felt the need to pray for both these individuals.  One of them lives her life on a path that I would never want to be on.  I don't know her relationship with the Lord or if she has one.  She really needed prayers.  I hope the closing of that door will lead her to one she needs at this time.  I am worried she won't even notice the door she probably needs most.  The other gentleman I know has a relationship with God.  I know, in speaking with him, that he hasn't always made the best choices, but he was working on making better ones.  He called me the next day to ask about some questions regarding his termination.  He was very upset and I told him that I would pray for him, that Jesus died for him and it would be okay.  I could hear him cry and he said thank you so much, I appreciate that.  I have continued to pray for both of these people. 

The one act that I couldn't believe, that I had such a hard time saying....the act of someone (Jesus) doing something (sacrificed on the cross) for someone else (me) just because with no expectations or requirements was actually one of the easiest things to do.  I am not saying it was easy for Jesus, not at all.  What I am saying is that doing something for another person because you can, not expecting anything in return and maybe without that person's knowledge is one of the easiest things we can do for someone.  To behave Christ like in what we do is uplifting, empowering and freeing.  I can feel him work through me everyday.  We are all destined to be great and to do something great.  I am destined to do something amazing!  I am not quite sure what that is, but what a thrill when it all comes together and I realize what that is. :)

I have one question that I need some help with.  I thought becoming closer to God would help in my relationships with people and it has with some.  With others I feel like they are moving farther away or I am realizing how much they are at the other end of the spectrum from me.  Is this possible?  Is this a bad thing?  Sorry for being so vague.

Looking back 2......

After both children were born, we attending Sunday church quite frequently.  Other than that there wasn't any Church involvement or relationship with God.  When McKenna started school, she met what is now one of her closest friends, Kelsie.  The mother of this child was Amie.  Little did I know that God placed her in my life exactly when I needed her...when I need hope...when I needed to realize how much I needed Him.  That was 5 years ago!  Wow I didn't realize it took that long.  How patient God was and how patient and persistant (in a good way) Amie was to keep exposing me, little by little, to Jesus.  She threw out opportunity after opportunity to me and to my family.  We took baby steps and tried a few things.  McKenna absolutely loves going to church with Kelsie.  Her first Wednesday night was at Christ Community Church.  I picked her up and was a bit overwhelmed at all the families everywhere.  She had a blast and begged to go with her often.  Since then Kelsie has moved to Westwood Church and McKenna still loves going on Wednesday nights.  In past years McKenna had CCD on Wednesday's after school.  She would attend our church and still had enough time to make it to Kelsie's!  To this day she does not like going to her CCD class.  She tells me they only do worksheets and memorize prayers.  That sounds boring to me too so I can't really justify making her go.  When I think about it, that could push her away for Jesus.  Austin didn't really mind going.  Ironically he asked me last night if he could go to another church.  Hmmm something to think about. 

In a minute

I just started a new class (Multicultural Issues) and am busy all day at work.  I have also been reading Made to Crave so.....I should have time to catch up this week.  The course I am taking is kicking my behind a bit and I need to figure a routine for the 4-5 items of homework each week! YIKES....I have not forgotten. :)

Looking back.....

Hindsight is 20/20. This is so true and once I finally 'listened' I realized all these prior appointments were leading me up to 3.5.11. I would like to share some of those times with you.

None of it made sense until after and only after I surrendered to Him. Then it was like a light bulb went off. I dated a boy in high school who came from a very spiritual family. His religion was "Free Methodist." I didn't really understand what that meant, but loved attending church with him. His entire family and their families went. Many Sunday's included a large family meal at his house. He was the youngest and the only one at home. All his siblings were older and either away at college or married with their own children. We used to babysit his nieces and nephew. I remember his brother-in-law stating that his daughters could only date boys if they came over for devotions and survived. I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I know it had something to do with religion. (Ironically one of those nieces, attends CCC and I saw her at retreat last year!) His family had a lasting impact on me. I think of them often and cherish the time I was very much a part of their lives. I run into one of them now and again and love catching up. My first bible was given to my by Mary Fullmer. It was her guidance that opened my eyes to more. Keep in mind I was in high school and we all know how 'relationshps' go - LOL. After two years of dating her son, we broke up. Thinking back I don't really remember why but do remember that I was heart broken and devastated. Mrs. Fullmer told me that it would hurt, but my heart should not be filled with a boy, but with the Lord. I was intrigued with this and started reading bits and pieces of the bible. The verse she told me to say was Psalm 61:4- "I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (The version she gave me had different wording) I found comfort in this verse for many years to come and it it will always remain on of my favorites.

For years after that, I sat dormant in my quest for Jesus. I think the next milestone was when I got married. Sean was Catholic and I was baptized Catholic so I considered myself Catholic. In order for us to be married in the Catholic church, I had to be confirmed and have a first communion. I went through an adult class called RCIA (Right of Christian Initiation for Adults.) It was a weekly class led by elders of the church and it was very tough for me. I questioned everything including if this was right for me. My husband and I discussed this because I felt so strongly that our children be raised with a solid religious background. I knew what it was like to not have that foundation (no offense to my parents) but I wanted my kids to always have that and faith. Something more, a higher power to trust in. Our intentions were genuine. I also had my first Communion with my then youngest cousin and his 8th grade class. My family was very proud of both of us and it was wonderful to experience something like that with family. When each of our children was born, they were both baptized into the Catholic religion.

The beginning or the 'so called" beginning......

The beginning started years ago, but my beginning - my realization began on Saturday March 5, 2011!  I am going to give you a little history before jumping back to 3.5.11 and the events of that important day.

I have a Catholic mother and Jewish father.  This stuns most people the first time I say this so I always pause, giving them enough time to take it in.  Neither one wanted to upset either side of the family so  I wasn't really 'given' a proclaimed religion.  Knowing what I know now, this was part of Gods plan for me but at the time and for years after I felt like I didn't have a solid background of Faith to believe in.  I celebrated Christmas and Easter but I also celebrated Passover and Rosh Hashanah.   I was baptized Catholic as an infant (and later had my first communion and confirmation as an adult.)    I rarely if ever went to church for anything unless it was a wedding or funeral but did go to the Synogugue quite a bit.  I remember going to Beth El on friday nights for Seder dinner.  It was always the same meal of salad with a light vinegarette dressing, roasted chicken, potatoes (roasted) and steamed green beans.  I loved it!  We prayed, the Cantors sang in hebrew and there was dancing.  I loved every minute of it.  The whole time I wasn't really sure why I was there other than to have a 'religious' meal.  To this day I can't answer the question of what the meaning behind the meal was. 
I knew I beleived in God, heaven, and hell.  I believed in Jesus and that he was born of the virgin Mary.  I knew that Christmas was about his birth and Easter was about his death but that was about it.  For the most part, this was what I knew of religion. 

Let us jump to 3.5.11.....This was the weekend for the Christ Community Church Women's Retreat!  I was invited by a friend the year before and was looking forward to coming again this year.  The biggest and best part of my weekend was that I truly felt, believed and could say outloud......that...."I believe Jesus died on the cross for ME!  (and for YOU)  A simple phrase was so hard to say outloud.  How could "someone" that didn't know me do "something" like that for me?  Was I worth that?  I had attempted to say it 3 or 4 times before it actually came out and I believed it to be true.  Tears streamed down my face - YES I am worth it!