3.5.11 The day I surrendered whole heartedly to Christ.

The weekend of March 4th-6th, the annual Christ Community Church Women's Retreat was a weekend I had waited a year to attend.  If you have never been, I highly recommend attending.  You spend the weekend with amazing woman, friends, leaders and Christ!  Does it get any better?  This was my second year and I was really pumped about the lectures, interaction and the down time to get some scrap booking done.  Do I need to tell you I didn't touch the scrap booking supplies at all the entire weekend other than to load and unload them.........twice.  If I repeat some of this, I am sorry, but I started this several months ago, never finished and feel it is important.  I have to say the night before the retreat, I had the strangest dream ever.  All I could remember of this dream was one specific section.  I shared this with the gals at work, then again with Amie in the hotel room.  I was with my husband, Sean and we were attending a function of some sort.  There were lots of people and he wanted to introduce me to an acquaintance/friend of his.  (I can't tell you the name of this 'person' but it was someone familar to me.  Thinking back as I explained this, I couldn't tell you what this person looked like or who he was)  When we approached this man, I turned and said I knew him, we were old friends too.  I went to hug him and he didn't hug me back.  It was odd.  We said hi and he asked how I was.  I said fine and you?  He then said..."Are you sure your fine?  Are you really fine?"  I was taken back at his response and woke up feeling horrible.  The girls at work were also taken back saying things like "wow" that is a bit harsh.  I know the dream was longer, but this was the only part I remembered and it made quite an impression.  What did that mean?  What did he mean by that?  As a woman, I have gone up and down with my weight as most of us do at some point of in our lives.  I was approaching 40 thinking I should still be physically fit and looking like I did at 18, or at least my early 20's!  Insecurity was a big deal for me.  I had always been active and slim.  Due to a thyroid issue I had gained weight.  My friends look at me and think I am a bit crazy for feeling this way but weight gain or anything like that is all relative to each person.  Other things in my life were, at that time (and still are) not where I wanted them to be.
While in the hotel room that first evening, Amie and I were talking about random things.  We were also talking about a book she read and also did with a Bible study, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  She had an extra book and asked it I wanted it.  I accepted and started reading right away.  I am going to back track here because at this time, I hadn't told her about the dream I had yet.  It wasn't until I started reading Made to Crave that I would have fallen over if I wasn't already laying down.  I 'freaked out' and was in disbelieve.  Amie looked at me like I was crazy and asked what was going on.  I started by saying this is so ironic.....(we all know it was exactly as it was supposed to be).... I started by telling her about my dream then proceeded to read her a few excerpts from the book. 

..."I started this journey weighing 167 pounds."  (That was about the same weight that I was)  ...."Maybe because I was knocking on the door of my fortieth birthday..."  "To others 167 is a dream weight.  In my case, the number itself was not the issue.  The issue was how I felt mentally, spiritually, and physically.  It was time to be honest with myself.  I think we all get to a place sometime in our lives when we have to give a brutally hones answer to the questions, "How am I doing?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Knowing what I know now it was like I was searching for food only to be smacked in the head with a chicken and not recognizing it was something I could eat.  God had put all these pieces in front for me just begging me to put the pieces together.  He was starring me right in the eyes and I was blind.  Well not totally blind, I would just say blind in one eye. 

So that was the beginning to this amazing weekend.  Saturday we sat down, ready to meet the rest of the group at our table.  All the woman were very different with different interest.  As I sit surrounded by woman of different ages, economic backgrounds and life experiences, I found comfort that we all knew or were seeking Christ.  We were all so much a like in our feelings and thoughts.  It was like being surrounded by your best friends and supporters, you felt a connection that was safe and warm.  You start to really get to know these woman (and yourself) through the exercises you do through the weekend.  At the end of the morning session, you have lunch meet a bit more, then break for the afternoon so you can attend mini break out sessions or have free time.  (This is when I was going to scrap book and was I excited about that.)  During lunch you do not have to sit at your assigned table.  Sometimes people sit with friends that are at other tables during this time.  I really don't like to be out of my comfort zone so I sat back at my assigned table.  Melanie was also assigned to the table and sat next to me.  By the time Amie got back, the table was full so she sat somewhere else.  I was bummed by this because I am generally a shy person if I don't know you too well.  (Again, Gods plan put Melanie right smack next to me) 

Melanie and I had a wonderful conversation about our families and upbringing etc.  We spoke about how I was having a hard time in my faith in Christ.  I believed in Jesus and God but something was keeping that little string of doubt in my head (Satan) from completely giving myself to Christ.  I couldn't figure out why because it was something that I wanted so badly but it was hard for me.  We spoke of the Fullmer family, Amie and her guidance, my dream and the Made to Crave quote.  There were also some Bible passages from the morning that all fit into this puzzle.  As Melanie and I spoke she suggested I pray about this during the break.  On the way up to the room at the start of the afternoon break, I told Amie about my conversation with Melanie.  We stopped and prayed in the prayer room then headed to our hotel room.